April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. This year’s theme is “Together We Act, United We Change.” The campaign focuses on “enhancing public understanding of sexual violence, amplifying the voices of survivors, and empowering us to work together to promote the safety and well-being of others. LifeWorks NW staff member Mary shares her story of reporting sexual assault to raise awareness as to why some survivors choose not to report and how best to support those who do.
Content warning: Sexual assault
‘I wasn’t leaving’
I waited in line for 20 minutes before I was called to the window. I pushed back my tears, swallowed as hard as I could. My voice trembled. "I want to report a rape" were the words that somehow came out of my mouth, keeping my voice down. I didn’t want everyone around me to hear.
After establishing the multiple assaults that took place in Clackamas County, I was sent to sit in a hard plastic chair at a small table in a cold corner of the sheriff’s office. As I waited, the anxiety was unreal. I was light-headed, my stomach in knots. Sitting still was impossible. Racing thoughts filled my brain. I thought about getting up and leaving.
I had finally worked up the courage to report the two-year ordeal. I wasn’t leaving.
The officer charged with taking my statement finally arrived. He told me to be as honest and descriptive as possible. I shared the gut-wrenching names I was called, the embarrassing things I was commanded to do. I described the many times I screamed in pain as I pushed my attacker away.
In response, the officer asked: Did I tell my abuser to stop? Was I looking for revenge? Did I push him off hard enough? Why didn’t I tell his wife?
‘Open-heart surgery without anesthesia’
Nearly two months passed before I finally learned what the next step would be: No charges would be filed. As I sat in my car outside work, tears streaming down my face, the detective said it had been deemed a “he said, she said” situation. He said there I had not proof and that all of the people who could back me up were biased against my abuser. I did everything right, I played by the rules, but even that wasn't enough.
Ten years later, I still remember the ruthless, gut-wrenching process. It feels like open-heart surgery without anesthesia. Based on my experience with law enforcement, it comes as no surprise that some who have been sexually assaulted choose never to report the crime.
Justice looks different to everyone. Supporting a survivor often means supporting their decision not to go to the police.
The best way you can support a survivor is: believe us. Believe us wholeheartedly, no questions asked. Listen to us. Cry with us, scream with us, and most importantly, hold space for us. Remind us that it’s okay to feel what we’re feeling as we feel the furthest from normal. And one last thing: Look us in the eye and tell us that we’re going to be okay, maybe not right this second, but we will, with time.
If you or someone in your life has experienced sexual assault and needs support, LifeWorks NW can help. Call 503-546-9010.
RESOURCES
- Reporting and the criminal justice system, RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network)
- Call to Safety, formerly the Portland Women's Crisis Line
- Washington County Sheriff's Office
- Multnomah County District Attorney
